I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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