Tell her she can't have a vagina
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
