Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
