There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
