Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
