Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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