totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my shit smells like andre
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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