and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
