My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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