two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize