so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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