Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
