If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
