Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
