his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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