we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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