It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
