Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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