so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize