so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i think i have two assholes
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
