I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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