Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize