I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Randomize
