weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
