I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
