thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
