btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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