my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
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