So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
