Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize