k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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