I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
