he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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