Your face is a jimmy john
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
