So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
