I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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