you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
