All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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