giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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