My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Randomize
