The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize