I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Randomize
