Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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