mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
