Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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