I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
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