apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
