9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
