Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
