She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
