The maid of honor just puked.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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