i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize