Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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