I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
