I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
