I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
