If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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