Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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