it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize