Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
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