I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
