listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
All the doctor said was why
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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