I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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