Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
