I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
