Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My ATM looks so different sober.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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